Spelunking

A dear friend described me one day.  She said I am the type of person that will spelunk deep within another person's soul in order to find the slightest glimmer of a diamond.   At first I was proud of that statement.  I lead with kindness and I believe that most of humanity is inherently good.  I value depth and I take the time to get to know someone before I cast judgement. This quality has afforded me many wonderful relationships throughout my life.  Relationships that would likely never have happened if I didn't take the time to see past the surface of people and be willing to dive deeper into someone in order to find their spark, their diamond. 

I am a natural caregiver, a nurturer with a servants heart.  I have always, sometimes to the chagrin of my husband, been someone who puts others first, with my needs secondary to those around me.  I truly find joy in helping others.  I thrive on experiences with people. 

This quality, however, has also caused me much grief and heartache throughout my life.  It has caused me to put too much of my energy and spirit into some people who did not deserve that much of me. Call it wisdom that comes with age...or call it me just deciding that my time is worthwhile and not everyone is deserving of it...but since I seriously started focusing on my healing this past spring, I have been setting boundaries to protect my own energy. 

I am leary of speaking too much about "boundaries" because we have been plagued in recent years by the Gen Z philosophy of "if it doesn't serve me, cut it off."  I pray this generation realizes cutting oneself off from anything or anyone that brings slight discomfort or conflict is detrimental to a balanced, democratic society.  So please do not think I am saying these things from such a philosphy.

After several decades of always leading with doing for others, I decided it was time I start prioritizing my needs and wants.  Afterall, the first rule they will teach you in any caregiving class is that you must first be good to yourself if you want to be good for other people. 

I began prioritizing my needs by driving over half way across the country to a grief retreat.  I realized my body and soul were out of balance and I did not have the tools or know-how to correct it.  At this retreat, the topic of equal and balanced relationships was a big theme of the weekend.  I have always said that relationships need to be mutually beneficial.  If one side is taking too much or not giving enough, the relationship is unbalanced and will become fractured, which can lead to toxicity and resentment.   If it is not mutually beneficial, it is not sustainable.  It was refreshing to have this belief reinforced at the retreat. 

Prioritizing myself for the first time in decades, and pursuing balanced relationships will mean that I need to be more discerning about how often and how far I will spelunk. 

One blessing that came with Auggie's passing is that I am now free to be wholly and truly me.  I have so much more time to do things for myself...and one of my favorite things is to interact with people.   Approaching my reemergence into society with this reinforced perspective to pursue those relationships that are balanced and mutually beneficial has allowed me to reevaluate relationships that have  existed for years and to also be more selective in new relationships. 

I have reconnected with many friends this past year.  Unfortunately some of those friendships have now gone to the wayside. My setting of boundaries has driven a handful of "friends" away...which is very sad to me, but a blessing because those people were not giving nearly as much to our relationship as I was giving to them. Those relationships were unbalanced...and looking back, I always knew it, I even shed tears over them...I tried so hard to find that diamond that I allowed myself to be in some very unfair and unhealthy situations. 

While the loss of some people I thought were friends is eye-openingly tragic, I have found more beauty than sadness.  I have some friends who over the years I have struggled with finding balance, but recently I have been able to accept it's OK to have friends for certain situations and to keep them in that space where our relationship can thrive.  Avoiding spelunking with them to places that are not healthy for our friendship has allowed me to release hurt and resentment, and be able to enjoy them and the place we fit in each other's lives. 

Having a new conviction for balanced relationships has also allowed me to reconnect with people who were acquaintances for years that actually deserved to be closer friends.  It has also allowed me to become much more grateful for the relationships that have always been balanced and mutually benefical. 

I choose to find balance for myself and my needs, and only hold on to relationships that allow both parties to feel mutually fulfilled.  I will always be a spelunker.  It is how I am programed.  I will always lead with kindness and treat others how I want to be treated.  I will also continue to search for the diamond in people I meet, because it is fun to see what makes someone sparkle.  However, I now choose to do it with better discernment and uphold my boundary of balance and only investing deeper into those who appreciate my diamond.

"I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living." - Anais Nin